I finally realized why I don't go out much tonight.
It's because whenever I do, I end up feeling like shit.
Seriously. I can't remember any time in recent history where I
went out with people and actually had a good time. I end up going
out, watching other people have fun, not joining in with them because I
don't know what to say or just don't want to say anything, and end up
feeling like shit because of it. And it's all because I'm not one
of the cool people. I'm not social. I don't get along with
people. I'd rather just lock myself in a room and have nothing to
do with that bitch called the outside world. And I guess it's sad,
because all these people go out of their way to try and make me feel
better (god knows why they do, I'm not worth it), and for some reason,
it just ends up making me feel worse. And it's all because I just
suck in every possible way a person can suck socially. It's why
I'm still single. It's why I don't have many real friends.
It's why I'm sure people would rather leave me out of stuff.
So from now on, I quit. I'm shutting myself out for good. I don't belong around people, and I was never meant to be close to anyone. All I was meant to do was go to school, barely make my way through, get some suck ass job because I have no people skills, work however many hours a week, and come home to an empty little apartment or something and get drunk and watch TV like a true pathetic American. I know anything I try to do to make myself feel better is only going to end up backfiring on me. So about the best I can do from now on is just shut myself out and feel nothing. That's what I want now, above all else, is to feel absolutely nothing about anybody or anything. I don't want to feel love. I don't want to feel hate. I don't want feel a goddamn thing anymore.
I'm sorry if you feel somehow offended by this. If you feel you've put in more than your fair share of effort to improve my life somehow. All I can say is that I'm a lost cause. I'm not worth anyone's effort anymore. I've wasted too many people's time with my pathetic problems, and that, above all else, I deeply regret. I know that things aren't going to be exactly peachy for me from here on out. But that's my problem now. I don't want anyone else to worry about it. I can deal with it, and I will overcome.
Again, I'm really not sure what I'm saying right now. Maybe I'm just tired, and pissed, and blowing off steam after a bullshit week, and before another even more stressful and painful week. Or maybe I'm starting to pull together all this shit that's been floating around my head the past few years. All I know to do is live my life, deal with the pain however I can, and just keep going until I can find a light at the end of the tunnel. Or something like that.
"Tonight, I don't wanna feel