And now... (Pauly - 5/2/02 @ 1:43
What's this world coming to?
Bullshit day (Pauly - 4/28/02 @
11:28 PM EDT)
It's just been a shit day all around. I had a post up earlier today but I decided to take it down, because I thought that maybe some people might think that I was questioning their friendship, and I don't think that's really what I meant. But lately, it really just feels like I'm not close to anyone here anymore. I feel more fucking alone right now than I ever have in my life I think, and I really don't know why. I know it's not one thing that's caused it, but there have just been certain things that have happened lately where I've just felt completely and totally left out. And it just sucks.
I know that one reason might be my constant shitty mood. I know that I probably bring you all down a lot, and I'm really sorry for that. You've all tried your hardest to help me, and to get me to get help, and in the end it just got hopeless. You all have told me yourselves that you don't know what to do about it anymore, so you've just learned to live with it. And it kills me everytime I hear that, not because I feel betrayed by you, but because I feel weak, and I feel like I've let you all down. When I decided that, after that first time I went to the counselor, I didn't want to go again, I know you were all disappointed. It took everything you had to even get me to go the first time, and I really appreciate that you cared about me that much. But I'll be honest with you...it really wasn't the best experience for me. I didn't feel like I knew what to say to really give him the right information to help me, and I probably still don't. I ended up just telling him that I was stressed with school and I wanted a girlfriend or something like that, which the more I think about it, the more I think that those were just a small part of it. And I know that it takes more than one appointment to figure stuff out like that, but I really just didn't feel comfortable there. It felt too much like he was a professor giving me assignments, or something like that. Maybe it was just that particular guy, or maybe I just generally don't feel comfortable revealing stuff that deep down to people I've never met, or maybe I'm just a chicken shit. But I just wanted you to know why I didn't want to go back. I'm truly sorry if I made you disappointed in me, and I can't blame you. I'm sorry that maybe I've driven people away with all this, and that kills me more than anything else. I don't know where I'd be (or if I'd be) right now if it wasn't for you all. I'm still very reluctant and somewhat skeptical about the whole counselor thing, but if you all still truly believe that that's what I have to do to help myself, then I'm willing to start reconsidering it again. I just hope you understand my hesitation about it, but if it's my last chance to prove that I'm not a total and complete lost cause, and if it's my last chance to win you all back, then I'll try again.
God I hate saying that, "win you all back." I hate feeling like I've lost friends. I really hope that I haven't, and all this that I'm feeling like crap about isn't as serious as I'm making it out to be in my head. But it just sucks when you talk to people you used to feel perfectly comfortable with, and things just get awkward when you haven't talked to them in so long. And it sucks when you can't help but wonder if you should even try talking to someone because you're not sure what kind of state your friendship is in. I just really wish I knew why I'm feeling like this. Maybe it's because of all the stuff I said above. Maybe it's just that I've been too bogged down with engineering this semester to have the time to hang out with anyone much, and I just get incredibly shy around people I haven't been around in that amount of time, which in that case just means I'm pathetic hehe. But I don't know. I just want things to be back like they were freshman year, before all the shit hit the fan. I hope that's possible, and I'll do whatever to make it possible if I can. I just hope I don't continue being too afraid to do anything about it.
Wow (Pauly - 4/28/02 @ 10:16 PM
And by the way, I feel like shit, so maybe it's best to avoid me for a few days.
Taking back what I said because I'm an
idiot (Pauly - 4/28/02 @ 6:13 PM EDT)
This summer (Pauly - 4/27/02 @ 6:30
In other news, I decided to take down my archives. I still have them saved on my computer, but I just figured that there was no real need to have them up on here. However, if anyone dislikes this change, please bitch at me. :)
It's nice to post again. :)