And now... (Pauly - 5/2/02 @ 1:43
PM EDT)
...a cat in a burger:
What's this world coming to?
Bullshit day (Pauly - 4/28/02 @
11:28 PM EDT)
I just love days like this, where I can sit in my
room and get almost nothing accomplished, especially when I have two
huge ass things due early this week. I got part of my Micro write
up done, and hopefully I can finish that up relatively quickly
tomorrow. Then hopefully I can remember how to code in MATLAB and
finish up my Power project. I was really hoping to get more done
today, but hey what are you gonna do? Especially when everything
that's wrong with your life just hits you all at once.
It's just been a shit day all around. I had a
post up earlier today but I decided to take it down, because I thought
that maybe some people might think that I was questioning their
friendship, and I don't think that's really what I meant. But
lately, it really just feels like I'm not close to anyone here
anymore. I feel more fucking alone right now than I ever have in
my life I think, and I really don't know why. I know it's not one
thing that's caused it, but there have just been certain things that
have happened lately where I've just felt completely and totally left
out. And it just sucks.
I know that one reason might be my constant shitty
mood. I know that I probably bring you all down a lot, and I'm
really sorry for that. You've all tried your hardest to help me,
and to get me to get help, and in the end it just got hopeless.
You all have told me yourselves that you don't know what to do about it
anymore, so you've just learned to live with it. And it kills me
everytime I hear that, not because I feel betrayed by you, but because I
feel weak, and I feel like I've let you all down. When I decided
that, after that first time I went to the counselor, I didn't want to go
again, I know you were all disappointed. It took everything you
had to even get me to go the first time, and I really appreciate that
you cared about me that much. But I'll be honest with you...it
really wasn't the best experience for me. I didn't feel like I
knew what to say to really give him the right information to help me,
and I probably still don't. I ended up just telling him that I was
stressed with school and I wanted a girlfriend or something like that,
which the more I think about it, the more I think that those were just a
small part of it. And I know that it takes more than one
appointment to figure stuff out like that, but I really just didn't feel
comfortable there. It felt too much like he was a professor giving
me assignments, or something like that. Maybe it was just that
particular guy, or maybe I just generally don't feel comfortable
revealing stuff that deep down to people I've never met, or maybe I'm
just a chicken shit. But I just wanted you to know why I didn't
want to go back. I'm truly sorry if I made you disappointed in me,
and I can't blame you. I'm sorry that maybe I've driven people
away with all this, and that kills me more than anything else. I
don't know where I'd be (or if I'd be) right now if it wasn't for you
all. I'm still very reluctant and somewhat skeptical about the
whole counselor thing, but if you all still truly believe that that's
what I have to do to help myself, then I'm willing to start
reconsidering it again. I just hope you understand my hesitation
about it, but if it's my last chance to prove that I'm not a total and
complete lost cause, and if it's my last chance to win you all back,
then I'll try again.
God I hate saying that, "win you all
back." I hate feeling like I've lost friends. I really
hope that I haven't, and all this that I'm feeling like crap about isn't
as serious as I'm making it out to be in my head. But it just
sucks when you talk to people you used to feel perfectly comfortable
with, and things just get awkward when you haven't talked to them in so
long. And it sucks when you can't help but wonder if you should
even try talking to someone because you're not sure what kind of state
your friendship is in. I just really wish I knew why I'm feeling
like this. Maybe it's because of all the stuff I said above.
Maybe it's just that I've been too bogged down with engineering this
semester to have the time to hang out with anyone much, and I just get
incredibly shy around people I haven't been around in that amount of
time, which in that case just means I'm pathetic hehe. But I don't
know. I just want things to be back like they were freshman year,
before all the shit hit the fan. I hope that's possible, and I'll
do whatever to make it possible if I can. I just hope I don't
continue being too afraid to do anything about it.
Wow (Pauly - 4/28/02 @ 10:16 PM
EDT)
I just realized that like 80% of my hits are all
me. How sad is that?
And by the way, I feel like shit, so maybe it's best
to avoid me for a few days.
Taking back what I said because I'm an
idiot (Pauly - 4/28/02 @ 6:13 PM EDT)
Yeah, I'm taking back what I said on that last
post, sorta. Things are just stressful, and time is tight for me,
so I dunno if any of what I said is valid or not. Just the result
of another stressed out bad mood I guess. So if you read what I
posted, forget it, and if you didn't, don't worry about it.
This summer (Pauly - 4/27/02 @ 6:30
PM EDT)
This is for all the people that are going to be
down here this summer. I wanna make sure that you all know I'll be
available (finally) for pretty much anything from between June 1 to
middle of July, or whenever summer session 2 starts. For once, I'm
NOT going to have a summer where I just sit around watchin TV and not
seeing anyone. Past couple of years it hasn't been my fault,
because there hasn't been anyone around where I live. But if I'm
going to be around people, and I'm going to actually have time on my
hands, dammit I'm going to take advantage of it!
In other news, I decided to take down my
archives. I still have them saved on my computer, but I just
figured that there was no real need to have them up on here.
However, if anyone dislikes this change, please bitch at me. :)